


I Thought You Were Mine

by thekindworthreading



Series: Jamilton Month 2020 [14]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Crying, Grief/Mourning, Jamilton Month 2020, Loss, M/M, yes I cried so much while writing that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24722215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekindworthreading/pseuds/thekindworthreading
Summary: Thomas visits Alexander´s grave.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson
Series: Jamilton Month 2020 [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1773895
Comments: 15
Kudos: 87





	I Thought You Were Mine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gagakuma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gagakuma/gifts).



> This is for day 14 of Jamilton Month - Gardening and it was supposed to be super fluffy and then I talked with @gagakuma and that happened... I cried a lot, but still not as much as while writing Aiming For The Sky...
> 
> She drew a perfect pic for our idea which you can find at her tumblr @gagakumadraws! (https://whatdidimissjm.tumblr.com/post/620913515481464832/gagakumadraws-jamilton-month-day-14-gardening) And you just have to go look at it!

“Hello, Alexander, how are you, my darling?”, Thomas asks, as he sits down in the grass. “God, you have no idea how hard those past weeks were. Philip is still asking for you every night when I bring him to bed, it… it hurts. And… oh Alex, you can´t imagine how lonely our bed is without you. I miss you so much, fuck Alex, why did you do this to me? To us?”

Thomas takes a deep breath, blinking away the tears.

“Philip is spending the day with Eliza, so we nearly have the whole day to ourselves. I really wish you´d come back.”

His voice breaks at the last word, and he wipes his eyes with the back for his hand.

“I´d really like to spend my whole time here with you and never leave, but we both know I can´t do that.”

He lets out a short, grim laugh, biting his lip to keep himself from starting to sob. All he wants to do is hold Alex close, instead all he gets to do is stare at the unanswering and cold gravestone, with the name of his husband on it. He wants nothing more than to feel the warmth of his skin one more time and to feel the overwhelming rush of love he always experienced when looking at Alex. He lets out a shaky breath, looking up at the sky for a moment, before he focuses on the gravestone in front of him again.

“Oh, I´ve got a present for you.”, Thomas says after some time, with a tiny but still sad smile on his face.

He pulls the basket he had brought a bit closer and takes out a pot with daffodils, as well as a spade.

“Your favourite flowers. Do you remember, how happy you were every time I brought you a bouquet? And then one day you told me you never cared for daffodils until I started bringing you them because I thought those were your favourite flowers and you started to like them, and they actually became your favourites? They always remind me of our wedding and of course of you. I actually started crying when I picked them up yesterday, that was fun.”

He lets out another sigh and takes out a pair of garden gloves, pulling them on.

“You know, I´m still wearing the ring. I… I thought about taking it off, but I can´t. I just… I just can´t. It would feel like cheating, and I know you aren´t there anymore but… fuck. God, Alex I miss you so much and I still love you so much and it _hurts_. It hurts so fucking much.”

He brushes away the tears that are running down his face and picks up the spade, his hand trembling, and starts to dig a hole next to the gravestone. The work helps a bit to calm him down and he manages to stop crying, at least until he places the flowers into the ground and starts covering the roots with dirt. Once he is done, he sits back down again, leaning against a nearby tree. After he has pulled off the gloves, he hides his face in his hands for a moment, finally allowing himself to cry. His whole body gets shaken by sobs, and he feels the familiar helplessness overtaking him again.

_How is he supposed to do all of this without Alex by his side? How is he supposed to raise their son?_

Since the moment they met, Thomas knew Alex was his. He knew that they were meant to be and that it would be them against the rest of the world forever. _Forever_. At least that´s what he thought until he got the call that Alex is in the hospital with a fatal gun shot wound. He was too late. Alex was already gone when he finally got to him.

“I couldn´t even say goodbye.”, Thomas whispers, looking up at the gravestone. He can barely make out the words on it, the world far too blurred around him. “I never got to say goodbye. It wasn´t supposed to end like this. It just wasn´t. I´m so sorry I wasn´t there for you. You must have been so scared and I wasn´t there. I promised to always be there for you, and I wasn´t. I´m sorry I-”

He breaks off again, sobbing too much to form any words, his whole body shaking with the force of it and all he can do is breathe in and out. In and out. Over and over again. Alex should be by his side right now. He should be there and hug him, press a kiss to his cheek and tell him that everything will be alright again.

_Nothing will ever be alright again._

“You know what the worst thing is?”, Thomas asks after some time. The tears have stopped running down his face by now and he feels far too exhausted so cry. “I´m already forgetting small things about you.” He closes his eyes for a moment, taking a few calming breaths, so that his voice doesn´t break. “Like I don´t remember exactly how your eyes looked like, or how it felt when you touched me. And… I can´t do this. I can´t forget everything about you. I am so scared that one day I will have forgotten how it is to be loved by you, and I honestly don´t know what to do then.”

He shivers and pulls his jacket tighter around him, before he looks down at his watch.

“When did it get so late, love? I have to get Philip in an hour and before I can do that, I have to look presentable again. Can´t have him see me like this, can I? I will take him with me to visit you too sometime, but I can´t bring myself to do it just now. I don´t want him to see me cry.”

Thomas hesitates a moment, before he gets up and stands in front of the gravestone looking down at it.

“This is always the hardest part, isn´t it?”, he mumbles. “Saying goodbye…”

He takes a deep breath, before he kneels down, reaching out with a trembling hand to touch the gravestone. He traces the name Alexander, and feels tears running down his face again, even though he had thought that he couldn´t cry anymore today.

“I can´t do this alone, Alexander.”, he whispers, his throat tight and hurting from crying so much. “How am I supposed to do this without you? I wish you´d come back. I miss you so much.”

He stays in this position for a few minutes, before he reluctantly stands back up again, gathering his stuff.

“I love you.”, he says at last. “I´ll see you again soon, my love.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and pls leave a comment if you´ve cried too! You can also follow me on tumblr @whatdidimissjm!


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